This week I had a check up in nyc. I had a check up with my surgeon from my abscess drainage and all things are a-okay there! And my usual pulmonary function tests, x ray, blood work, chat with my transplant doc...My lung function is holding stable at 22%, which is good news, but also bad news since it keeps me hanging at the same place on the list (aka, I'm not getting sicker fast enough to move up) but it's also good I'm not sicker. My weight is at 83 lbs which is super! But the visit was a discouraging to me, because well the two people that are my size and my blood type are still ahead of me, and they have been there for months and months and months, so that likely means lungs aren't coming this summer, and that really crushed me. They will more likely come in the fall or even winter (unless something miraculous happens and those two girls get lungs or more donors come -- my doctor says there has been a donor drought, sadly.) I'm just so tired of being tired and sleeping half the day away and missing out on things, and I have a time line in my head -- lungs in summer means vacation in fall (I need one more than you know) singing up for that metal smith class in the fall, buying fall clothes in normal adult sizes, etc etc. So my time line keeps getting moved further and further out. Wednesday I had a little pity party for myself, but got a very nice email from my friend Judy (who went with my Tuesday) that lungs will come when they are meant to come. And I got really good advice from my friend Jess who said: let yourself be sad, you can! And it's true I'm allowed to be discouraged and sad, so I cried a lot on Wednesday and then by Thursday I was over it. I didn't confide in many people that I was sad, Laura was in Vegas and I didn't want to bother her, and Lindsey is coming off a great birthday week and I didn't want to be a downer, well at least not until we went to the movies next week and then I could cry to her in person, hahaha. But I know lungs will come when they are supposed to, and I know that plans will happen when they are meant to, vacations aren't going anywhere, metal smith classes will come again in January, clothes will always be there waiting for me to buy them, and my friends I know will wait for me to be the healthy Natasha again, I know they aren't going anywhere and hopefully they aren't tired of me yet being 112 years old when I hang out with them...
I needed some retail therapy after Tuesday and I found the perfect thing, this weekend it will be two years that Michael Jackson has passed and a huge auction of his stuff is happening -- I am eying a pair of sunglasses of his that I can wear!
So proud of you, always.ReplyDelete
I'm glad I could offer some sound advice. I will be your therapist anytime you need :-D
Everything happens for a reason, and it will all happen when it is meant to, like Judy said. Maybe you need to wait, because the lungs you are waiting to get are the most wonderful lungs but they're not ready yet! And they will be.ReplyDelete
Remember after your first transplant, the first time I saw you run back to the car? That was amazing. And I know that day will come again.
Jess is right, too. You can be sad. You don't have to keep it in. We're all here for you whenever you need to vent or just talk about anything.